Letters of Mass Construction

Alien Ash Cloud!


Stephen Hawking is a smart man. I am certain he has forgotten more than half of what my brain has ever learned. He probably knows information that would make my brain seize up and explode. Despite all that knowledge Mr. Hawking thinks there are probably intergalactic space aliens out there and we should be afraid of them.

I knew there was something suspicious about that fucking ash cloud. We have been looking at it all wrong. It was cloud cover for the damn aliens. They needed to have clear air space for the coming invasion. It won’t be long now before crop circles, dead cows, and an outbreak of unauthorized anal probing (I mean, besides Catholic priests) will be reported in the press.

Because clearly any galactic race that stumbles on our little blue and green planet is going to want to destroy it (right now there are environmentalist who read my blog saying, “it’s not that green.” How do I know this? Because that shit runs on a loop in their brain). We assume this because we can’t help but cast them in our own image. It’s what we know.

I don’t think it is likely they would destroy us outright. Any creature that could cross galaxies is more advanced than we could ever imagine. They would probably study us for awhile. Mistake us for an intergalactic pest and spray us with a giant can of Raid.

Mr. Hawking has been watching too many James Cameron movies. It isn’t that I don’t think life couldn’t exist out there somewhere, I just don’t think they have to be like us. We really have no concept what an alien race would look, think, behave, eat, or smell like (I hope they smell good. My damn allergies react to everything). We can’t colonize Mars, this means we do not qualify as space travel experts.

I am not stupid though. Mr. Hawking is smarter than me. I have to at least entertain the thought he might be right. It’s why I keep a towel on hand at all times (if you do not know what this refers to you are already doomed. It was nice knowing you). I do have a little advice for the aliens. Don’t land in Arizona. They will arrest you on sight.

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2 Responses to “Alien Ash Cloud!”

  1. bigwords88 says:

    >If the as-yet-theoretical aliens have the technology to cross the expanse of the universe, why would they have murder and mayhem on their minds? Stevie is smart – really smart – so he has obviously taken into account the enormity of locating Earth in the first place. Any alien would have to really be determined to even FIND us, never mind all the rest of the possible scenarios – we're waaay out in the interstellar equivalent of nowhere. The chance of aliens stumbling upon us is nil.So our radio and television signals (which have been beaming out to space for nearly a century) are our footprint. It's a bit late in the day to start saying "Hold on a minute chaps, this might not be a good idea." We're past the point of being able to halt any incoming ET's by years. The only good news is we'll all be dead by the time they eventually get here – if, indeed, they can be bothered to investigate such a backwater little planet.When (if?) we encounter alien life, it'll probably be so different as to barely understand us at all. We have nothing to worry about for some time though. Even traveling at near light speeds they won't make an appearance in the next century.

  2. Jennifer says:

    >Chris Daley, there's a frood who really knows where his towel is. ;)-Jen/prismitty

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