Church of the No Fucking Way

May 11th, 2010 by 801red

Many, many, many years ago it is widely rumored that L. Ron Hubbard said the quickest way to a million dollars is to form your own religion. No one can say he didn’t succeed beyond his wildest imaginations (and L. Ron had a wild imagination). Scientology is all over the world and boast a very active public group of movie stars.

Yesterday, on Twitter I responded to someone teaching summer school was against my religion. I say this a lot. The thing is I don’t have a religion. It was then like a burst of lightning through my brain it came to me (okay maybe more like some pop rocks going off) I had been going about this staying home and writing thing all wrong. I didn’t need a sugar mama. I needed a religion. Thus was born the Church of the No Fucking Way.

I announced my new church in the only logical place, Twitter. I was pleased to see my numbers swell almost immediately. There are lots of people out there who are clearly lost and looking for a little guidance. It shall be my mission to give it to them.

This will be the easiest church in the world to belong to. Think of something you would never do and you’re in. For instance, yesterday a 15 year old boy in Pomona, California who while tossing a javelin around apparently slipped and impaled himself. He drove the javelin through his hip and out his buttocks. While lying on the ground in agony he then pulled the damn javelin from his body. I think I am pretty tough but there is no fucking way I am pulling that javelin out.

How about Hockey player Sami Salo who took a slapshot to the groin? An injury which may have resulted in a ruptured testicle. You ever seen an NHL slapshot? Those things are wicked fast. When his team was asked if he was going to be available for the next playoff game they said it would be a day to day decision. What kind of answer is that? You know what mine would be. The odds of getting me back on the ice after someone used my testicles as their own personal bounce back wall are actually less than the odds of me winning the lottery. Sami Salo should immediately join my church.

Since we need some sort of deity to worship I am picking the satellite known as Galaxy 15. It is speculated a solar flare burned out its brain but the sucker is still floating around up there with full power apparently with the ability to steal other satellite signals. That’s right it is a zombie satellite. That is a total win.

As I explained my newly founded church to my wife and how I wouldn’t need her as a sugar mama any longer, she wondered how this church would make me money. I explained to her my amazing humor, charismatic personality, and superior writing skills (I mean seriously Hubbard invented some space creature called Xenu for Scientology. I am sure I can do better than that) would lead people to be overcome with the urge to throw money at me. To which Sheri replied, “You think people are going to give you money because you tell them to. No fucking way!” Ah, the sweet smell of conversion.

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Art by Dave McKean

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