Letters of Mass Construction

The Struggle is Real

I have been gone for a long time from this blog. I have been struggling. I have been trying to find my way back to me. To the writer. To the reader. To the legend in my own mind. When I struggle I tend to focus on the things that are the most important to me. The things I can’t afford to damage. My wife and my students are the top of that list. I feel I have done that but I knew it wasn’t enough. I had to find my way back.

In the end I decided it was time to suck it up and go. So here I am. I was going to write a long blog about my inner struggle but decided against it. We live in a world where if I break my arm I get to go to the hospital and a doctor will fix it. The doctor will put a cast on it. My students will want to sign it. People will ask me how I am doing? When is the cast coming off? We are open and often caring with physical injuries.

My injury isn’t physical (although I have had my fair share of those over the last few years). My brain is broken. It has never worked right. I have spent my life managing it. I am usually very good at it. The last two years, not so much. It is hard to explain to people. Most people are not even aware of the struggle. I work in a very social job. I am good at it but at night, when I get home, it sometimes gets on top of me. It weighs me down. It stops me from being me. It pisses me off.

I have always known that I do better when I give my brain something to focus on. I love my brain. It is curious and smart and persistent and funny. I hate my brain. It is dark and anti-social and OCD and sad. I have been working on finding things to do that focus me. Writing is definitely one of them but it isn’t always enough. I think I am doing better at finding alternatives. I think I am doing better.

So here I am. Back and bugging the half dozen people who will read this. I hope I can grow it. I don’t care if I do. I need to write. This is where I will be writing. I will be doing board game reviews and book reviews. I will be writing about the world. I will be funny. I miss being funny. The struggle is real but so are the results. Hang onto your hair pieces, it is going to be a bumpy ride.

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