They Might Be Cannibals

March 19th, 2010 by 801red

Here’s the thing, without beating a dead horse, I have a weight issue. My body has an overwhelming urge to be fat. It has been this way my whole life. The good news is when I am fit and exercising I lose weight easy and maintain a very healthy body image. The bad news is I have a terrible back problem that sometimes keeps me from exercising for long periods of time. Now I will say this. I want to be healthy and I want to look good. I have been in very good shape for most of my life. I have had some really bad times though where my weight ballooned up and out of control.

I think about my weight all the time. I want to live a long time. If I go, I want it to be because of old age (or a satellite fell on me). When I was heavy I had very high blood pressure and it was a little scary. My dad died of a stroke at a very young age. That is why I have grown very concerned over the last few weeks of the strange behavior of some people very close to me.

I think my students might be trying to plump me up. Suddenly, there is food everywhere. It started all nice and innocent. A granola bar here, an apple there. “Here Mr. Daley have a bite of this healthy snack”. Then suddenly the tide turned. Cookies, candy, treats of all kinds. Not a healthy thing amongst them. Today was the worse. Two students brought cookies, one brought a peanut butter bar, another brought a bag of peanuts and cheetos. All day long I was fighting off the temptations of the offered treats.

I have to be honest. I suspect something nefarious and diabolical. At first I thought my students might be a new strain of zombies. Ones that didn’t run around eating everything in sight but took their time savoring their ever enlarging future meals. I tested my theory by putting several pictures of brains up on my smart board. Only one student started drooling. I immediately sent the student to the nurse’s office. Let her deal with the zombie eating fiend.

My friend Jennifer thought perhaps it was a Hansel and Gretel situation. I immediately began to worry about witches baking me in the oven. I dismissed this after I took another look at the little munchkins. I knew all my early morning exercise and running would mean they would never be able to catch me.

I don’t know what they are up to. Report cards have already come out. Too early to be bribing me. No field trips coming up. I couldn’t take it anymore. I asked one of the lovelies why she brought me cookies. She smiled cooly and told me, “I was hoping if I gave you cookies you would stop singing in class.” I looked at her in stunned horror. She wasn’t fooling me I think they might be cannibals.

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