When Machines Attack!

May 17th, 2010 by 801red

Alright this shit is getting serious. The machine apocalypse is going full gear now. I make one little mistake of warning the world of their imminent doom at the hands of the machines and now all the machines around me are going all Charlie Manson. They have stepped up their open warfare on me. Trying to drive me crazy or outright expire me.

I know who you are suppose to call if you have poltergeists, I mean the Ghostbusters have been a household name for years. I have no idea what to do about these infernal machines. Maybe if I call on C3P0 to intercede on my behalf they will leave me alone for awhile. Doubtful, I would probably end up with a Cylon at my front door.

This last week several more machines imploded in an attempt to frazzle me beyond belief. First my Xbox 360 and Roku Netflix player were taken out by some mysterious electronic failure (they went at the same exact time). I would suspect a power surge but there were several other pieces of equipment on the same surge protector and they still live. No, it was a conspiracy to take out our ability to enjoy Buffy marathons in the privacy of our own room. Luckily I believe in redundancy and have a blu-ray player which streams Netflix. Ha! Take that you fraking machines.

If that wasn’t bad enough I show up at the dentist office on Thursday to be greeted by the frantic look of the receptionist who had just had all of her computers go down. I should have known this was a sign and turned my ass right around but no, I don’t take hints very well. While sitting in the dentist chair, right in the middle of my cleaning, all of their equipment lost pressure and stopped working. I had to sit in the stupid dentist chair for a half an hour while what seemed like the entire office tried to coax the thing alive again. I apologized to them for bringing my war to their office.

The last straw may have been on Friday. Our first hot day of the year. The air conditioner kicks on and starts blowing out hot air. A clear attempt to expire all those in the house. We just replaced the stupid air conditioner. I gloated at the silly mistake the machines made this time. The air conditioner is under warranty and it is going to be cool this week. They should have waited until July when it gets to 3000 degrees in Red Bluff (a slight exaggeration but not much).

The repairman came out today and checked the unit. He quickly figured out we have a leak somewhere inside the house. INSIDE the house, this is not good. It means we will have to pay for the repair because it has nothing to do with the new unit. Plus, he isn’t sure where it is so he will be crawling around in our attic tomorrow.

Stupid damn machines. I am beginning to suspect my new iPad is leading this sudden insurrection of pain. I won’t let them beat me down. They want a war, they got it. I am going to have to call in the big guns now. I sent off an email to Lord Jobs today. If he can rid the world of porn, surely he can get these ridiculous machines to behave.

4 Comments »